I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So here I am, sexting at work.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
