I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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