If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
