Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
