im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
