You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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