Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
