no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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