I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i was born a porn star she said
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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