So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
