I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
