He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
