Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
