is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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