3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
