Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
