we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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