He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just pee around me
Still dying that you shit outside
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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