I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
