I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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