well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
