im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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