Umm I'm too high to move.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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