WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He has the fingertips of a God
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