sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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