I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
