Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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