I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i drank out of a bidet.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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