what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
