someone get that fucking seahorse.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
