Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I need a hoe opinion
go on
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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