i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
