Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
