Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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