she looked like the bat from fern gully.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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