I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
