Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
