If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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