they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
