i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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