Church boner. Awkwardddd
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
