I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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