This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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