Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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