Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
