I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
