Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
