remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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