Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
