"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I am one with the molecules
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
