wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
