dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
